I'm sitting listening to the song of spring outside...the sun is shinning and the birds are screaming this morning! You can actually hear the leaves on the ground move as they dry from the cold wet winter...the breeze is light and green is beginning to make a come back in the hills of Tennessee.
i am so glad...i hate late January and the whole of February....it is gray, cold, wet and it makes damp my very soul...my bones ache and my heart seems to grow weary.
i almost gave up...i almost felt as if i had nothing more to give...the weight of opportunity was becoming too scary...too real...
i began to believe the woman in my head who kinda hates me...
she is not very pleasant to deal with she is really good at pointing out my flaws and inadequacies...she knows right where to strike and when to inflict her most effective blows. It is if she can feel where I'm headed before i get there and she creates havoc on the path...she brings busy-stuff to surface, you know the stuff that sucks your energy and ability to choose wisely? she clouds my judgment and narrows my focus to self.... and she has a striking resemblance to someone i know well....
I have been in need of something that doesn't come easy to me...i have had need of that intangible burning in the deepest part of my innards...the intestinal fortitude that eludes so many of those of us who are weary from the gray of life at times.
i found wealth however, not that i saw it myself....i had a friend who was reading to her son Prince Caspian from the amazing word smith CS Lewis...she was compelled to write me....
it was a "have to"
she told me she was reading the part in the story where, Susan, after seeing Aslan was ashamed at her inability to believe that He was there all the time....Aslan responded that she had been listening to the lies....and He breathed on her...He asked "do you have courage now?"
she will never know the impact of those words....
you see the grayness steals my courage...the stillness of winter had left my soul with a blindness of what was stirring just under the surface...deep within the roots of all that looks dead and lifeless....my perception so tainted by the lies i choose to listen to...i could not see the strength building just under the lame perusal of my eyesight. i failed to look deeper, closer.
He is always with me....sometimes His presence is just under the layer of dead leaves gaining strength from the winters nap...allowing the sustenance to go to the root. He knows there will be a time for the show of spring and the lush of summer...but He is patient to give strength during the time of perceived ugliness.
who have i been listening to...?
why have i been so blind...?
I am rich....
He has breathed on me....
...just under that which i identified as useless ugly dead matter
He uncovered me with His breath
and my courage has been restored
3 comments:
That was amazingly beautiful!
You had been worn out, you needed relief ~ you needed to believe again.
That other negative woman, she's not your ennemy. She's your ally who challenges you each day to fight against your inertia.
It's wonderful, that breath of faith.
Diana,
Courage is really a scary thing. It means you move forward regardless of... Your D3 is sending loving prayers to you! God has been healing me all these years. One song that kept me moving forward is an old song called "Long, winding road." The lyric that kept me going through the darkest time was, "And I could turn around, cuz' the road's still there, but then every mountain I have climbed I again would have to bear. so i really can't turn back, some may be using my tracks. I see one more bend, this just might be my road's end." Let's get in touch, it's been almost 14 years.
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