GIVE ME YOUR WORDS

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Today I was caught off guard by streaks of sunlight peeking through the clouds. What has seemed in the last few weeks never ending gray clouds filled with rain and storm...these beams of light were playing and dancing on the ground out my window.
They were calling my name.
I grabbed Coopers “p” coat and went for a walk out in the fields that surround my house.
I don't own these fields and hills but I run on them like I do! I tend to have fairly nice conversations with the God who placed them there when I walk...sometimes I cry
sometimes I'm pissed off about something and sometimes I am actually just quiet.

Today was a quiet walk. I have been struggling as of late.
Struggling with my purpose and role in life, sure I have lots of titles and jobs, mom, wife, lover, friend, mentor, maid, but who am I or more to the point who am I outside of the roles I have been given? What the heck does God want from me?

For me there is just something about walking out in those fields that bring me closer to hearing from Him. OK call me crazy but I swear one time I know I heard the voice of God through my Black Basset Hound. (capitalized out of respect to the Holy Spirit who used that dog)
Maybe it is the sound of the wind in the trees the cold crisp air or maybe it the absence of Fox News droning on in the background that helps me listen better, be quiet better, be still.
Today at the highest point on the hill, I climbed up on a stack of pickets our new neighbor has dumped in the middle of about 68 acres. I'm assuming they are for a future fence but today they allowed me to climb even higher and see a breathtaking 360 degree view.
Hills and daffodils, green onion and yellow ragweed are beginning to spot the landscape.

I sat in quiet awe. I asked the age old question...What do you want from me?
Then I began to pray what I am sure The God of the Universe has heard a few million times just today...

”Please tell me what to do...just tell me what to say...give me Your words”

Nothing
Silence

I conjured up a few tears, maybe if He saw me cry He would answer faster

More nothing
Bigger silence


Once that deeply spiritual moment passed my big fat stupid black lab Tarzan climbed up on the stack with me practically knocking me over with his overzealous need for affection (now I know how my husband feels when he comes home to me) not to be outdone by our other dumb big mutt dog Apollo who is so insanely jealous of any affection shown to Tarzan over him he too did his best to knock me off the stack! Now I am being nudged and licked and snorted on losing my balance getting ready to cuss at these love sick beasts and I heard it...

Wiping dog snot off the side of my face ...I heard Him
It wasn't a voice that anyone can describe but I knew it was Him.
I recognized it not by sound but by the familiar ache that started to pulse in the tips of my fingers.

He reminded me...
He wants my heart He wants my response He wants my love
Twisted and dysfunctional mis-spelled and often long winded He just wants me. Not my idea of what others think of me or what I think I should be or write but just me...where I am and who I am.

I had prayed and asked Him to give me His words...
But it's funny He doesn't want His words....He has the Host of Heaven shouting His Glory...
He is not going to “give” me His words...

He wants mine.






Seriously a light bulb...Diana you are crying over a light bulb? Not because i lost it because it was given to me...for those of you who are saying..."drama thy name is Diana" hang with me...This light bulb was given to me as i went to get bleach...bleach to try to kill the ever growing mold in what once was our home. Home to 8 people 6 children...and a dog i don't know why we keep...(that was for tanner)
Home where our kids live and breathe run and play...read laugh eat...home.
This is the place we try to teach them about understanding life is not all about them...we try to help them understand the importance of giving their lives away to love and serve others who may not have the opportunity or the love that we have in our family ...a father or a mother... we are incredibly rich...and by rich i mean we are thick in the love of God and protection of Christ...this is real wealth.
So why would i burst into tears when i was replacing a blown light bulb?
Because it was given to me by a complete stranger...someone who i don't know brought in a box of light bulbs and dropped them off at the disaster relief center in Ashland City...it may have been all they could give. They may have had only a couple extra bucks left in the old account and thought "hey I'm gonna get another box and donate them"
Most people would think that such a small donation wouldn't mean much ...but that is where you are wrong very very wrong...
That one box of light bulbs has allowed me to scour and clean where there once was darkness.
It has allowed me the opportunity to begin to put my life back together...to make a home again..

So my friend whoever you are that small gesture changed my life my husbands and the life of 6 children...no donation is too small no kindness goes unnoticed.

A bottle of water can be the gift of life...and a light bulb can turn into the Glory of God.

For those of us who are on the receiving end of your kindness...we will pay it back and with a passion we would have not understood had we not been so blessed to receive.

Kentucky Morning

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    Today I'm sitting alone in a hotel lobby in Kentucky.


    I am surrounded by the conversations of people and families that are complete strangers to me. I can not keep but wondering what their lives must be like...you know outside of this place.


    There is a group of older folks, obviously from the northeast...their accent, long "aahhhs" like in "Haaaaavaaard" and frequent reference to southerners gave them away.  Beside them is a young single mom who is having a bad morning with her frizzy headed, 18 month old, trying to figure out how to feed and wrangle all her energy at the same time. 


    There is another family with 5 kids, 6 months to 8 yrs., a dad and a grandma.  (I'm smiling as i have not seen the momma take a bite yet.)  however she has replenished the plates of her offspring a few times now (daddy is content to sip his coffee and offer a few words of encouragement)...she has shuffled back and forth between two small tables for the 10th time now...I'm still smiling.


     There are a number of 10 year old girls all dressed in green soccer uniforms ready to go to their playoffs and championship games. The giggles and talking, the excessive hand movements that match the emotions of their conversations are almost an art form, a choreographed thing of beauty that is innate with the female animal from birth.  And oh.... the smell of burnt bagels and waffles.   The smell of soap and hairspray.  Clean fresh people ready to start their day from a common place...this hotel...not home where the mundane and the "have-to's" can smother the plans and adventures of the day.


    There is a small baby who has discovered her voice right behind me (she has found the difference between the sound inside and out of her cup with a copious amount of spit and a relatively dry mouth).    I can feel the stress of the momma who is concerned her bundle of joy is offending the other guests..the wonder of it all!


    The manic rush of the families and the leisurely pace of the older folks from the north are all such a thing of beauty...the sounds of life are filling my ears as I sit here unexpectedly quiet and completely content to take it all in.


    The thought that keeps going through my mind is this: "If I have, in such a short amount of time, fallen in love with these people and their cornucopia of life and noise, how much immeasurably more does the Father - who designed them - who knew their innermost parts before they took a breath - who knows everything about them and loves them in spite of it all.   How much more does He love them?   How much does He desire a relationship with His creation!


    I have to hold back the urge to stand up in the midst of them and make sure they all know how much He loves them!   I wanted to hug the momma behind me and let her know that I think the noises her baby is making is beautiful.   I wanted to look those girls in the eye and tell them they are daughters of the King of Kings.   I wanted to buy the folks from the northeast a subscription to national review and help them detox from the up tightness of their upbringing...let them know its OK to just be...warts and all.   I want to give the momma with the 5 kids a standing ovation and tell her and all in earshot that she holds the future in her hands and that all she does does not go in vain.   I wanted to embrace the struggling single young mother and offer her hope...why didn't I?


    I know I did in my heart, but what is it that keeps us from offering love and hope when we see it is needed?  Could it be that I hold back because somehow I have a hard time believing these things for myself?
Could be, but for today I choose to make eye contact for a little longer than is comfortable and smile.  I choose to watch the children with abandon and enjoy their lust for life, and show respect and deference to those who have a bit more life under their belt than I do.


I choose to embrace the mess and noise and simply enjoy it all!

Breathe on me....

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I'm sitting listening to the song of spring outside...the sun is shinning and the birds are screaming this morning! You can actually hear the leaves on the ground move as they dry from the cold wet winter...the breeze is light and green is beginning to make a come back in the hills of Tennessee.

i am so glad...

i hate late January and the whole of February....it is gray, cold, wet and it makes damp my very soul...my bones ache and my heart seems to grow weary.
i almost gave up...i almost felt as if i had nothing more to give...the weight of opportunity was becoming too scary...too real...

i began to believe the woman in my head who kinda hates me...

she is not very pleasant to deal with she is really good at pointing out my flaws and inadequacies...she knows right where to strike and when to inflict her most effective blows. It is if she can feel where I'm headed before i get there and she creates havoc on the path...she brings busy-stuff to surface, you know the stuff that sucks your energy and ability to choose wisely? she clouds my judgment and narrows my focus to self.... and she has a striking resemblance to someone i know well....

I have been in need of something that doesn't come easy to me...i have had need of that intangible burning in the deepest part of my innards...the intestinal fortitude that eludes so many of those of us who are weary from the gray of life at times.

i found wealth however, not that i saw it myself....i had a friend who was reading to her son Prince Caspian from the amazing word smith CS Lewis...she was compelled to write me....
it was a "have to"
she told me she was reading the part in the story where, Susan, after seeing Aslan was ashamed at her inability to believe that He was there all the time....Aslan responded that she had been listening to the lies....and He breathed on her...He asked "do you have courage now?"

she will never know the impact of those words....

you see the grayness steals my courage...the stillness of winter had left my soul with a blindness of what was stirring just under the surface...deep within the roots of all that looks dead and lifeless....my perception so tainted by the lies i choose to listen to...i could not see the strength building just under the lame perusal of my eyesight. i failed to look deeper, closer.

He is always with me....sometimes His presence is just under the layer of dead leaves gaining strength from the winters nap...allowing the sustenance to go to the root. He knows there will be a time for the show of spring and the lush of summer...but He is patient to give strength during the time of perceived ugliness.
who have i been listening to...?
why have i been so blind...?

I am rich....
He has breathed on me....

...just under that which i identified as useless ugly dead matter
He uncovered me with His breath
and my courage has been restored

ok so i get a meeting with an amazing literary agent....this is a meeting i have thought ...prayed...hoped for ...for at least..ok 15 years. it is happening.
i can hardly believe it! knowing that i need to be prepared in case this ISN'T just a "lets placate her...get her to stop calling ...etc... kind of meeting" i spent time putting together short synopsis of my books and studies hoping that if things go well i can present these to the agent. i also did my homework....i know this agency....i know this agent. he is an amazing man who created a biz where not much existed before...certainly not to the standard he has created...he is also a fashion guru....seriously. the man is so put together it would put to shame every woman and... ok lets just say it... wanna be woman i have ever met.

my day should start off like normal....getting kids ready for school, lunches made, begging bret to make a pot of coffee since mine always tastes like something you scraped off the bottom of an iron skillet, making sure shoes are on with socks which is always a strange option for the younger four, teeth brushed, bo juice firmly planted in the correct place on their bodies, hair somewhat in an arrangement that isn't too embarrassing ...finding backpacks that hide during the night,and running everyone out the door by 7:15am to get them in their required places before the late bell rings and i have to sign yet another 4 tardy slips that are designed to shame parents into thinking another country might be more understanding of our human failures....you know the normal stuff a mom of 6 goes through in the morning.....but this one was different.......

there was on the ground an almost indistinguishable white powder present ....yes snow...the kind that looks as if the God of the universe made french toast that morning and spilled the powdered sugar on us...

...two of the schools were running two hours late...ok...my kids go to 3 different schools all of which run on different time and condition schedules. now... i have to take the older two to school because in order for me to get to this meeting of a lifetime i have to borrow tanners car. bret will need the e350 v10 15 seater totally groovy green van to drop off the little ones at school. i successfully get the big boys to school and pull out of the parking lot thinking all is good with the world....i was wrong.
half way home i begin to hear a faint "flap" sound and think hummm ....
i pull into the heavily traveled two lane hwy 49... thinking i have just enough time to get home shower straighten my hair paint my face and pick an amazingly cool outfit to impress my hopefully soon to be literary agent when suddenly.... a sound that will remain in my psyche forever begins with fervor! Flaaap flomp...Flaaap flomp...Flaaap flomp the sound increases in rhythm as i press on the accelerator petal...now... the sound changes to an odd combination of Flaaap flomp screeerch...horribly now all i hear is screeerch...metal on asphalt what a highly distinguishable sound.... almost as loud as the sound of the police siren behind me...

there are so many thoughts and words that came to mind all that i will thankfully edit for your reading pleasure...

i am in cheatham co and on a two lane hwy... there is no place to pull over. each side is banked by deep ditches usually filled with road kill from the evening before or what's left of the road kill as in cheatham co we have a road kill law that says "if ya hit it ...strap it on your car and eat it for supper"
true story...
there is increasing traffic as other hurried parents try to get their precious cargo to school in time before the tardy nazis come out in force...
the pressure is building as i try desperately to get this wounded machine to a spot where i can pull over...200 yards before me is a gas station...if i can just get there before i destroy the wheel of my sons car i can possibly avoid the embarrassment of blocking the only road leading to the 3 before mentioned schools...temporally forgetting the horrific ear splitting sound and the fact that i am being followed by a police car which is in and of itself creating a bit of attention...flaaap flomp screeeeeerch....i made it into the gas station.

the government appointed vehicle pulls slowly beside me with window down...i get out and look at the damage my morning exploits have taken on the front left of what used to be a tire and wheel...while still bending over i glance into the window beside me hoping it will be a friendly face...at least he doesn't look too mad...he offers me a ride home...I pray its in the front seat as i realize i have run out the door without my purse, licence or any other form of id whatsoever...
i act like I'm checking my pockets to make sure i have everything... i smile and say "sure thanks so much! that's mighty neighborly of y'all"...the accent a bit too thick...
but it seemed to work and i quickly jumped in the front seat....i don't like the back but that's another story....

I get home and jump in the shower...there is no time...
i get out and dry what to my amazement has become the biggest rats nest of a head of hair i have seen since the 80's...there is no rhyme or reason...
as i wipe the condensation from the mirror which is completely covered in morning tooth brush drizzle i see what looks like a fro...seriously i have a fro...its just located on the left front side of my head...what is happening!
i panic and grab the stash of emergency curl perfecting de frizz products i keep on hand for such occasions i skillfully glob the desired amount to the offending follicles hoping for mercy on such a morning as this...
it seems to work...straightening this bush mess is completely out of the question as i have less than 15 minutes to put makeup on my face and find my black pants, jacket and cool leopard print top ...this combination i think will make a good impression...the clock is ticking...as the condensation dissipates on the mirror and i am applying my foundation i notice something else is amiss...i have just returned from florida and bringing with it a healthy glow....one that inexplicably decided to peel this morning...my forehead looks as if i have leprosy...no this can't be happening! i scream as if this will help...it does not... the peeling remains... only now mixed with the foundation it looks a bit like mud on my forehead. i must remain calm...continue my process....get dressed and out the door in 8 minutes and counting...face finished, well as best as possible, now to the clothes...my jacket and top are easily found however where are my pants...? i can not find my black pants...!
i don't have time for this!
i grab the first pants i can find in the darkness of our bedroom...why i did not turn on the light will forever be a mystery...ok pants ...check jacket in hand...check hair/makeup...check
top...che...wait why did i choose this top?
looking at it now in the mirror with the light of the day i realize that the cut of this top was made for a jane russell film...dang my boobs look so pointy...i have no time...i will wear the jacket...check. jacket on
...last look and i can go to what i hope will indeed be a meeting of a lifetime...but wait what is this? my pants are not at all what i had expected...nooooooo....these are charcoal with a blue pinstripe....I'm wearing leopard for goodness sakes...this is wrong on so many levels i can not even begin to wrap my head around it.....it is too late....i can not do anything about the fact that i am walking into a meeting looking like the latest candidate for "what not to wear" what happened to me? i used to be cute and somewhat cool?
i have to let it go...
i hurl my body into the uberdesired e350 v10 15 seater green groovy van knowing that i have nothing to bring to this meeting except my personality and a few good ideas....

God help me.....if anything comes of this meeting it will not be because i presented myself well...it will not be because i impressed with my fashion panache...

.....it will be because somehow, someway the God of the universe smiled upon this frazzled girl and said "well done"

molly anna

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it my daughters birthday....i can't believe 9 years have whizzed by so fast...
it seems like yesterday that she was chewing on my chin inexplicably trying to retrieve sustenance...she took her first steps, lost her first tooth,decided to speak at 3 or 4 years of age...she didn't have much to say before then...lots to watch with 5 siblings...she is a wonder...

what will she be? who will she love? i have so many dreams for her...so many passions to communicate...what will her dreams be? besides being kieran...

i see such a fire in her belly such a personality...she will be and is a force to reckon with already...what will it look like when hormones kick in?

she is funny and smart as a whip...she is amazing and beautiful...
she is talented and gifted...she is tender and strong...she can put ozzy to shame with her version of crazy train on rock band...she does ahhhh like no one else i know...asperger's is an adventure...

she loves Jesus and is confident that God paints the sky for her every morning
she is a little piece of me....a little piece of bret... and a whole lotta her...
she is in a word marvelous...a mystery...a wonder...a blessing...

molly is a gift straight from the hands of God

formed in the mind and heart of the same God who created the earth and sky
the same God who paints the sky for her every morning....

molly is my joy my laughter my mischief
she is a never ending font of humor and information
she is amazing.....she is molly

Watching History....

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OK so maybe i didn't vote for this president but truly this is a historical and magnificent day...

No other country could possibly have the peaceful transfer of power that we will witness today at 12:01 The passing of the gauntlet the passing of the massive responsibilities and the passing of the weight of two wars,, economy, the needs of the American people and most importantly the lives of our service men and women around the world...
This President has my heart and prayers as he will need folks who supported him and folks who did not to pull together for the good of all Americans. The beauty of this "Great Experiment" called America should be on all of our hearts and minds today....

It is good to be alive....It is good to be an American.

"The God who gave us life gave us liberty at the same time"
Thomas Jefferson July 1774

from A Summary View of the Rights of British America