Today I was caught off guard by streaks of sunlight peeking through the clouds. What has seemed in the last few weeks never ending gray clouds filled with rain and storm...these beams of light were playing and dancing on the ground out my window.
They were calling my name.
I grabbed Coopers “p” coat and went for a walk out in the fields that surround my house.
I don't own these fields and hills but I run on them like I do! I tend to have fairly nice conversations with the God who placed them there when I walk...sometimes I cry
sometimes I'm pissed off about something and sometimes I am actually just quiet.
Today was a quiet walk. I have been struggling as of late.
Struggling with my purpose and role in life, sure I have lots of titles and jobs, mom, wife, lover, friend, mentor, maid, but who am I or more to the point who am I outside of the roles I have been given? What the heck does God want from me?
For me there is just something about walking out in those fields that bring me closer to hearing from Him. OK call me crazy but I swear one time I know I heard the voice of God through my Black Basset Hound. (capitalized out of respect to the Holy Spirit who used that dog)
Maybe it is the sound of the wind in the trees the cold crisp air or maybe it the absence of Fox News droning on in the background that helps me listen better, be quiet better, be still.
Today at the highest point on the hill, I climbed up on a stack of pickets our new neighbor has dumped in the middle of about 68 acres. I'm assuming they are for a future fence but today they allowed me to climb even higher and see a breathtaking 360 degree view.
Hills and daffodils, green onion and yellow ragweed are beginning to spot the landscape.
I sat in quiet awe. I asked the age old question...What do you want from me?
Then I began to pray what I am sure The God of the Universe has heard a few million times just today...
”Please tell me what to do...just tell me what to say...give me Your words”
Nothing
Silence
I conjured up a few tears, maybe if He saw me cry He would answer faster
More nothing
Bigger silence
Once that deeply spiritual moment passed my big fat stupid black lab Tarzan climbed up on the stack with me practically knocking me over with his overzealous need for affection (now I know how my husband feels when he comes home to me) not to be outdone by our other dumb big mutt dog Apollo who is so insanely jealous of any affection shown to Tarzan over him he too did his best to knock me off the stack! Now I am being nudged and licked and snorted on losing my balance getting ready to cuss at these love sick beasts and I heard it...
Wiping dog snot off the side of my face ...I heard Him
It wasn't a voice that anyone can describe but I knew it was Him.
I recognized it not by sound but by the familiar ache that started to pulse in the tips of my fingers.
He reminded me...
He wants my heart He wants my response He wants my love
Twisted and dysfunctional mis-spelled and often long winded He just wants me. Not my idea of what others think of me or what I think I should be or write but just me...where I am and who I am.
I had prayed and asked Him to give me His words...
But it's funny He doesn't want His words....He has the Host of Heaven shouting His Glory...
He is not going to “give” me His words...
He wants mine.
