And God Made Woman

ok so i get a meeting with an amazing literary agent....this is a meeting i have thought ...prayed...hoped for ...for at least..ok 15 years. it is happening.
i can hardly believe it! knowing that i need to be prepared in case this ISN'T just a "lets placate her...get her to stop calling ...etc... kind of meeting" i spent time putting together short synopsis of my books and studies hoping that if things go well i can present these to the agent. i also did my homework....i know this agency....i know this agent. he is an amazing man who created a biz where not much existed before...certainly not to the standard he has created...he is also a fashion guru....seriously. the man is so put together it would put to shame every woman and... ok lets just say it... wanna be woman i have ever met.

my day should start off like normal....getting kids ready for school, lunches made, begging bret to make a pot of coffee since mine always tastes like something you scraped off the bottom of an iron skillet, making sure shoes are on with socks which is always a strange option for the younger four, teeth brushed, bo juice firmly planted in the correct place on their bodies, hair somewhat in an arrangement that isn't too embarrassing ...finding backpacks that hide during the night,and running everyone out the door by 7:15am to get them in their required places before the late bell rings and i have to sign yet another 4 tardy slips that are designed to shame parents into thinking another country might be more understanding of our human failures....you know the normal stuff a mom of 6 goes through in the morning.....but this one was different.......

there was on the ground an almost indistinguishable white powder present ....yes snow...the kind that looks as if the God of the universe made french toast that morning and spilled the powdered sugar on us...

there are so many thoughts and words that came to mind all that i will thankfully edit for your reading pleasure...

i am in cheatham co and on a two lane hwy... there is no place to pull over. each side is banked by deep ditches usually filled with road kill from the evening before or what's left of the road kill as in cheatham co we have a road kill law that says "if ya hit it ...strap it on your car and eat it for supper"
true story...

the pressure is building as i try desperately to get this wounded machine to a spot where i can pull over...200 yards before me is a gas station...if i can just get there before i destroy the wheel of my sons car i can possibly avoid the embarrassment of blocking the only road leading to the 3 before mentioned schools...temporally forgetting the horrific ear splitting sound and the fact that i am being followed by a police car which is in and of itself creating a bit of attention...flaaap flomp screeeeeerch....i made it into the gas station.

the government appointed vehicle pulls slowly beside me with window down...i get out and look at the damage my morning exploits have taken on the front left of what used to be a tire and wheel...while still bending over i glance into the window beside me hoping it will be a friendly face...at least he doesn't look too mad...he offers me a ride home...I pray its in the front seat as i realize i have run out the door without my purse, licence or any other form of id whatsoever...
i act like I'm checking my pockets to make sure i have everything... i smile and say "sure thanks so much! that's mighty neighborly of y'all"...the accent a bit too thick...
but it seemed to work and i quickly jumped in the front seat....i don't like the back but that's another story....

I get home and jump in the shower...there is no time...
i get out and dry what to my amazement has become the biggest rats nest of a head of hair i have seen since the 80's...there is no rhyme or reason...

as i wipe the condensation from the mirror which is completely covered in morning tooth brush drizzle i see what looks like a fro...seriously i have a fro...its just located on the left front side of my head...what is happening!
i panic and grab the stash of emergency curl perfecting de frizz products i keep on hand for such occasions i skillfully glob the desired amount to the offending follicles hoping for mercy on such a morning as this...
it seems to work...straightening this bush mess is completely out of the question as i have less than 15 minutes to put makeup on my face and find my black pants, jacket and cool leopard print top ...this combination i think will make a good impression...the clock is ticking...as the condensation dissipates on the mirror and i am applying my foundation i notice something else is amiss...i have just returned from florida and bringing with it a healthy glow....one that inexplicably decided to peel this morning...my forehead looks as if i have leprosy...no this can't be happening! i scream as if this will help...it does not... the peeling remains... only now mixed with the foundation it looks a bit like mud on my forehead. i must remain calm...continue my process....get dressed and out the door in 8 minutes and counting...face finished, well as best as possible, now to the clothes...my jacket and top are easily found however where are my pants...? i can not find my black pants...!
i don't have time for this!
i grab the first pants i can find in the darkness of our bedroom...why i did not turn on the light will forever be a mystery...ok pants ...check jacket in hand...check hair/makeup...check
top...che...wait why did i choose this top?
looking at it now in the mirror with the light of the day i realize that the cut of this top was made for a jane russell film...dang my boobs look so pointy...i have no time...i will wear the jacket...check. jacket on
...last look and i can go to what i hope will indeed be a meeting of a lifetime...but wait what is this? my pants are not at all what i had expected...nooooooo....these are charcoal with a blue pinstripe....I'm wearing leopard for goodness sakes...this is wrong on so many levels i can not even begin to wrap my head around it.....it is too late....i can not do anything about the fact that i am walking into a meeting looking like the latest candidate for "what not to wear" what happened to me? i used to be cute and somewhat cool?
i hurl my body into the uberdesired e350 v10 15 seater green groovy van knowing that i have nothing to bring to this meeting except my personality and a few good ideas....